DC DeMarse
spark made. regrets of fucking many,
a feat for the very sortilege of bullshit,
spark made. an avalanche upon the
stupid jump, a loss unrelated to heart
but of the heart. of weakness I, of
flaccid natures and peculiar habits,
of black dreams, blacker daylight,
unknown desultory trodding the
unusual streets in unusual clothes,
far places to rest my crisis on, fair
aqueduct, running a pleasant static
over my web of lies. yea, spark
made, I broke, so then uplifted nothing
to my place in clarity’s tomb, o manic
depressive, before I knew it out the
window thinking grace to the ground
where busted SPINE. I lived then on
upon basis of sorrow, fortitude
delicious enough to busted SPINE to
make of me a ragged, barely
functioning infant, a tired infant, you
know, with bags under his eyes
or some shit, waiting for Nöel, but,
my presence was cheap, a cent by
cent sense made, a collected sense
nobodies has all patience ta lishen
tew. yeah, these three, these three
fuckers: events, situations, shenanigans
really: I jumped the gun and followed
my nose, near-robotic, to the first
tranquility seen, an escape of mind to
peace ultimate, as if all it a game,
the goal for honorific, saddle with god.
well, I did, not expecting retalitions
of that eddy’s core I saw the ghost
of once, an imprint of a once-lord of
things, creator, sustainer by death,
a cosmic nothing to tap me to insane,
to death, like bits of water-torture
plumb on the nose, until nothing was
uplifted for years, me shifting within
my weathered bones, making this
nuisance of discomfiture my nature,
feeding it beyond all decision, lullingly,
I was tried by regret, rehearse my
simpering apologies, I ate the mother-
fucking horse I beat to death at least,
at least this, a pain too wordy to call
it only that but every word I’ve evah
scribbled, to scram the nuisance.
lost the love, my flaccid, bumbling
heart now with no object: needing none
anyway as I found: love your people,
do not love this unalive effigy burning
your mind down my mind says to me
through its own overloaded cells,
its own tricky ambivalences more of
that bleeds through, to the point of
inscrutable metaphor, a loop of my
SPINE a-squeal as I come in to look
at me prick, maybe suck - it - too,
tell a nun or something : tell here to
come back, as I ward off anxieties
in the psyche ward, disembodied:
lithium maybies werk fer sum peple,
na dunnit work for I. it’s that shunned
feeling that’s the most peculiarly
crucial: the venom ebbs sans drugs
at all : it also crucial to live: lithium
in me opinion, is taken when the
need to correct chemical imbalance
overrides quality of life : my masthead,
nearly broken, my godhead seen and
in all its ugliness spoken, I perceived
that eddy further into a developing atom,
the birth of an adom, me delirious eve
of bathos, sunderedness: thinking of
her dirty sundress w polka dotss -
her cumin ta mete out rightful ire, at
least, on an infinite plane, the fate of
my effusiveness, the lurking battle I
would lose, already done, and me
at this point happy: will so I hurtled
to the ground: well, I lost the love atm
“of my life” and for years after nursed
an untidy, protracted-growing
obsession held in a box of letters under
my bed : they were sweet letters, they
settled SPINE : not in to reconfigurations*
never went to physical therapy for
the becoming shards : becoming that is
for a life already hell, in love with hell,
wishing to be the void of god I saw
that one night after - manic visions strewn
hastily - barely thought-wise, mixing
letters for meaning, next weeks I can
remember after - that quality three-week
amnesia, what a chunk! of life! - on a
newspaper, a few reaaaams actually
of the prophetic bullshit: written terrors,
to dis day canawt figurit a’out :sheez,
but what, play god ??? change hell ter
heavens, says I. dat not playing god.
dat shenanigans on the personality of
memories you retain: my mom always
told me a’saith : it is never too late to
have a happy childhood : a’saith: it is
to late to have a happy teen love: with
whether P. the dunes of ex I find wave
theire dust into my breaths still, I
stranded like Oxymandias among a
choir of Shellys. Ihopeapoet is my final
bearer of pall. but at least now I have
these words that say the word pain -
to stave me off from thinking death w
my dirigible mind, a ricochet across
very planets, whom in greatness watch
my odd foolish presumptions with
contempt: I was in Psych WArd once
and guy gave me is oxycontin: he had
back problems: then I took my vikes
without letting nurse check if I cheeked
‘em : she yelled hey get back here, and,
hear this, and, I say : I am in pain.
good thing, and little did I know I was
fated to speak the word only, perhaps
feel infinitely otherwise wit each new
abstract delight, each painful detail
scoured: yer artform, say nurse in my mind,
and I tell her, she is as real as words,
words on an eddying atom.